ARTICLE
| July/August 2010 |
Healing the T(error)ist Within:
On Anger and Responsibility
by Jon Mundy, Ph.D.
You who feel threatened by this changing world,
its twists of fortune and its bitter jests. . .
attend this lesson well.
The world provides no safety. It is rooted in attack,
and all its "gifts" of seeming safety are illusory deceptions.
Workbook 153, 1:1-3 (bold mine)
The Yenta and the Shempa:
Developing Special Relationships
There is an old Jewish saying that being self-absorbed is like "having a Yenta in your cap." A Yenta is a Yiddish word meaning a blabbermouth or gossipmonger. A Yenta, as in the play and movie, Fiddler on the Roof, is also a match-maker, who must be a busybody in order to make a match. A cap is one's head. The ego is a Yenta. It likes to tell stories. There is a similar concept in Tibetan Buddhism known as "Shempa." A Shempa is a place where we are "hooked." It is a little irritant that works away at the mind; and after a while, we can't stop thinking about it letting it go is difficult. Shempa, if nourished, can become very strong and powerful. A Shempa is an addiction to a way of thinking a (seemingly) justified projection.
Healing occurs as a patient begins to hear the dirge he sings, and questions its validity. Until he hears it, he cannot understand that it is he who sings it to himself. To hear it is the first step in recovery.
To question it must then become his choice.
Psychotherapy Pamphlet 2.VI.1:5-8.
These fleeting awarenesses represent the many opportunities given us literally "to change our tune." The sound of healing can be heard instead. But first the willingness to question the "truth" of the song of condemnation must arise. The strange distortions woven inextricably into the self-concept, itself but a pseudo-creation, make this ugly sound seem truly beautiful. "The rhythm of the universe," "the herald angel's song," all these and more are heard instead of loud discordant shrieks.
Psychotherapy Pamphlet P-2.VI.2:2-6
Changing Our Tune
Early one Sunday morning while going over my notes for that day's service at a coffee shop in New York City, I noticed a homeless man sitting directly across from me with a cup of coffee in front of him, talking to himself. There were few people around at the time and he was talking so loudly that by leaning forward and listening carefully, I was able to make out much of what he was saying. Most people keep their thoughts to themselves. Street folks, however, sometimes let the thought go all the way to the tongue and it finds utterance through the mouth. I could not make out everything he was saying but I got enough of it to know that he was practicing a speech he was going to give to someone in authority a judge, or a brother, or a sister perhaps. It was clear that he was building a case and defending himself. Did you ever drive around in your car thinking about some Shempa, building a case for yourself, practicing a speech?
To interpret error is to give it power,
and having done so you will overlook truth.
Text 12.I.1:8
When a Shempa comes up, it can get in one's face as a test as to whether or not we're there yet. The ego often plays the role of Sneaky Pete; and, just when we think we've gained some freedom from it, it slips in the back door and grabs us. We may think we're judgment free and then we catch ourselves saying something which is blatantly judgmental. Notice the ease with which peace is thrown away. A sales clerk is not as courteous as we would like, our mate does something thoughtless, a little perturbation comes along, someone says something with the wrong intonation, it is taken as an attack and zoom, my peace of mind is gone; and, I am the one who gave it away.
A Yenta or a Shempa can be a grievance we hold in our mind against someone. Some little irritant that keeps working away at the mind, convincing us that we are right, someone else is wrong, and we have been hurt by them.
It is as sure that those who hold grievances will suffer guilt,
as it is certain that those who forgive will find peace.
It is as sure that those who hold grievances will forget who they are, as it is certain that those who forgive will remember.
Workbook 68.3:2-3
Go The Other Way!
We may get the foolish idea that if we tell someone off really good once and for all, they will get it and shape up. Let's be clear. It never happens! It never happens because we're attacking another ego. Attack of any kind never works for peace. They will see it as attack and unless they are very mature, they will attack back if not with the body then with the tongue, and if not with the tongue then with the mind. Furthermore, they may gossip about us. Countering error with error simply provokes fear. How is it possible that in order to make others better, we should first make them feel worse? When we are humiliated or mistreated, does it make us feel like we want to be more cooperative? I dont know about you but I would rather have peace of mind than give someone a piece of my mind.
If you perceive offense in a brother
pluck the
offense from your mind.
Text 11.VIII.12:1
If a Yenta or a Shempa begins cackling inside my mind, I can be sure that it is a place where forgiveness work is needed. An "unforgiveness" is hurtful only to my own mind. Nothing except my own attack thoughts can hurt me. If I feel guilty, I am the one who feels the guilt. I can only attack my brother if I feel guilty; and, if I attack my brother, I attack myself. If I have a splinter in my finger and it is hurting me, I will "pluck" it out and throw it away. If a thought is hurting the mind, I can take it out and throw it away. I do not deny it or stuff it! I just "let it go." There is a wonderful story told about Clara Barton (1821-1914) who organized the Red Cross. One time a friend recalled to her a cruel thing that had happened to her some years previously, but Clara seemed not to remember the incident. "Don't you remember the wrong that was done you?" the friend asked. "No," said Clara, "I remember forgetting it. That's all I remember."
Reason will tell you that the only way to escape from misery
is to recognize it "and go the other way."
Text 22.II.4:1
It does not make any difference if I am right or wrong about what I feel hurt or angry about. The mistake is in being angry. When angry, the best advice is always to "wait a minute." The best response is delay. Counting to ten is a good idea and counting to sixty is even better. Delay means looking at what is happening. A Teacher of God cannot be insulted. You cannot be insulted. Only an ego can be insulted and we're not egos. Can you imagine Jesus being insulted? We are to teach no one that they can hurt us. If we do, we teach ourselves that something which is not of God has power over us. (T-14.III.8:2).
Do Not Defend
No one can become an advanced teacher of God until he fully understands that defenses are but foolish guardians of mad illusions. The more grotesque the dream, the fiercer and more powerful
its defenses seem to be.
Manual for Teachers 4.VI.1:6 (bold mine)
Defenselessness is all that is required for the truth
to dawn upon our minds with certainty.
Workbook 135.21:3
While defenses "seem" to protect us from our guilt, fear, and seeming attack of others, they actually make us more insecure and afraid. Ultimately, we stand naked before God. There is no effective attack, blame, or defense to be offered before God against any person. Excuses don't work in Heaven and they don't work here, either. What should you do if someone were to walk up to you and start attacking your body? Do everything in your power to stop them, for three reasons.
We Still Believe That We Are Bodies
1. Proof of that fact is that we are hanging out in bodies. As long as we are hanging out in a body, we will believe that it can be hurt. We would not want our body to be hurt or disabled, so we will do whatever we can to stop someone from hurting it.
2. We Would Not Want to Facilitate Error in a Brother
If we let somebody beat us up, we are being an accessory to a crime. We would not want to be an accessory to a crime. We would not want to be a victim.
3. We Are Not Called Upon to be Martyrs
To say, "Do not defend" simply means don't defend the silly ego. It is, after all, a silly ego. It is not who we are. Jesus is standing in front of Pontius Pilate. Pilate says to him, "Do you not hear all the accusations made against you? Don't you have anything to say for yourself?" And, he does not. If Jesus had come back at Pontius Pilate with, "Yes, I really am the Son of God and you're making a big mistake here," we might have questioned whether or not he was the Son of God. Defenselessness does not mean: not protecting my body if someone attacks me; permitting destructive behavior; letting others take advantage of us or living under conditions which are abusive.
Let them be as hateful and as vicious as they may,
they could have no effect on you unless you failed
to recognize it is your dream.
Text 27.VIII.10:6
Handling Criticism
What should we do if someone has a criticism of us? Listen! Listen very carefully and ask:
1. Why is this person saying what they are saying?
2. Is there even a grain of truth in what they are saying?
3. Is there some way I might change to make things better?
4. Is there any chance that I can see this differently?
Maybe the other is right. Maybe they are wrong. If they are wrong they need my love. If they are right they need my love. We should also remember that if someone says something bad about us, they are not talking about us; they are talking about their projection of us. As everything is a projection, there is no reason to take anything personally. We need not be "reactive" if someone has something to say about us that is good or bad. If we are reactive, there must be some "reason" for us to be reactive. Being reactive means I need a better way of seeing. For this reason we need not take too much delight in praise nor should we be too disheartened with blame. In either instance, we are seeing ourselves as special.
If my bother is attacking me verbally, valuable information may be coming my way; this person may be telling me something that no one else will. By listening carefully, I come closer to understanding the other and I come closer to a solution. Listening to the criticism will probably be appreciated. This is the real meaning of doing unto others as we would have them do unto us. What others say to me is what I have asked them to say. The only thing ever needing correction is my mind. Seen correctly, I cannot be insulted because there is no "I" to be insulted. All attack is a call for help. If someone attacks us, they have acted out of fear. When we feel attacked rather than jumping to the defense before we think about what we are doing, know that our brother or sister has acted out of fear and ignorance? Can we not see mistakes as a call for help? In the presence of attack, criticism, and condemnation ask: "Is this something I would accuse myself of doing?"
Agree with your adversary quickly while you are in the way with him; lest at any time the adversary deliver thee to the judge,
and the judge deliver thee to the officer, and thou be cast into prison.
Matthew 5:25
There remains the possibility that the other is wrong. In which case I need to look at why I would be upset if they are wrong. I watched a bang, bang, shoot 'em up, get in the cars, and chase each other scene on television. All the good guys or the bad guys had to do to get a fight started was to say something about the other guy's mother. Do we not know who our mother is? Why take personally something which is not true? If something is said against us falsely, this does not mean that we should not say what is true. To respond out of anger is, however, always a mistake. All anger is always an attempt to make someone feel guilty.
Not attacking back does not mean that we never disagree. The trick is in the ability to see differently without anger and attack. It takes skill to be a parent, schoolteacher, counselor, or employer who can deal with difficult situations without anger, attack, spite, or malice. Good teachers never terrorize their students. (T-3.I.4:5). Dr. Ken Wapnick writes in A Course in Miracles and Christianity: "I have frequently made the public comment that one of the most important lessons a Teacher of God can learn is how to disagree with someone (whether that person be on another spiritual path, or a student of the Course) without it being an attack." Anger keeps the ego alive but anger dissipates when we see we have no need for it.
Fixing Egos
The alertness of the ego to the errors of other egos is not the kind of vigilance the Holy Spirit would have you maintain. . . . To the ego it is kind and right and good to point out errors and "correct" them. . .
If you point out the errors of your brother's ego, you must be seeing through yours because the Holy Spirit does not perceive his errors.
Text 9.III.1:1, 2:1 & 3:1
A little boy wrote a story for his mother and gave it to her. The mother took the story; and, noticing a mistake in grammar, she got a pen and fixed it. She noticed another error and still another error. Finally, she finished fixing the paper and gave it back to her little boy, who was in tears and he said, "I didn't want you to fix it; I wanted you to like it."
It is always a mistake to try and fix another ego. Egos can't be fixed. Egos don't need to be fixed. They don't exist. The world does not need to be fixed. It needs to be loved. Our friends do not need to be fixed. They need to be loved. Our children do not need to be fixed. They need to be loved. There is a correct form of projection, namely, the extension of love, and thus, the undoing of guilt through forgiveness. Love is extension. The ego projects to exclude. The Holy Spirit extends to include, and thereby, recognize Oneness.
. . . attack is never discrete and must be relinquished entirely.
Text 7.VI.1:3
This is heavy teaching. If I see a problem in my brother, I must be seeing it in myself. To point out error is to amplify error in ourselves. I have to ask, "What is it in me which needs to find a problem?" With anything I'm about to say I ask: "Will what I'm about to say be truly helpful? Will they maybe see this as an attack?" Whenever we attack, we are attacking another ego. How is ego going to respond? It is going to get angry and defensive, and attack back. Living the Course means listening to criticism, finding the value in it, and thinking about what I might do to correct the situation in my own mind. Ninety-nine point nine percent of the time, when we offer up our critiques to others, we're not going to get through to their right mind. We're going to be hitting on their ego and the ego is going to respond the same way egos always have responded with defense and attack. Thus, it is that attack never works and safety lies in defenselessness.
Let Him Be Who He Is
The passage I quote most often in lectures is, "Let him be what he is and seek not to make of love an enemy" (T-19.IV.D.i.13:8). Letting other people be who they are, is one of the hardest things for us to do. Our job is to love the world, not to fix it. Thinking we can fix it means that we think we know "how" to fix it.
If you attack
error in another, you will hurt yourself.
You cannot know your brother when you attack him.
Attack is always made upon a stranger.
Text 3.III.7:1-3
How many times do I have to get slapped in the face with reality in order to see it? This seeming "Shempa" thing which does not exist, can lead the mind down a mineshaft of righteousness. Anger is an interesting, although not so subtle, response. Where there is smoke there is fire, and even annoyance is a veil drawn over fury (W-21.1:4). If I am in the attack mode, or the complaint mode, even the slightly "annoyed" mode, I'm blinding myself; and, I've still not learned my lesson. We use a great deal of vigilance to protect our egos; we use very little vigilance in the protection of our right-mind.
You can be as vigilant against the ego's dictates as for them.
Text 4.IV.4:2
There is a story in the Gospel of John (8:1-11) of a woman taken in adultery. According to the Law of Moses, the woman was to be stoned. They bring her to Jesus and ask him what they should do and Jesus says that the one who is without sin should cast the first stone. Beginning with the eldest, they drop their stones and walk away. Jesus then turns to the woman and asks, "Woman, where are your accusers?" To which she says, "Lord, there are none." Jesus then replies, "Neither do I condemn you, go and sin no more." In other words, "Go and do not continue to make the same mistake." It is the eldest who drops the first stone. The deeper we go and the more we've been here, the more we know we have not been able to transition through this world without error.
Whenever you consent to suffer pain, to be deprived,
unfairly treated or in need of anything,
you but accuse your brother of attack upon God's Son
Text 27.I.3:1
The ego always speaks first (T-5.VI.3:5). Lesson 6 from the Workbook says, "I am never upset for the reason I think." Therefore, whether my brother is "wrong" or "right" I have to ask the question, "Why am I upset?" Here is a real opportunity for insight. Is there a "glimmer of truth" in the lesson my brother would have me learn?
You Cannot Be Betrayed, Persecuted, or Crucified
You have probably reacted for years as if you were being crucified. This is a marked tendency of the separated, who always refuse to consider what they have done to themselves.
Text 6.I.3:1-2
The message of the crucifixion is that it is not necessary to perceive any attack even the meanest as persecution. Who I am in truth (Spirit) cannot be persecuted. Spirit cannot be destroyed (T-6. IV. 4:1-7). If I act as though I am being persecuted, I place a burden of guilt upon my brothers. If I imprison my brothers, I imprison myself. One of the silliest things anyone could say is, "Look what you made me do now." No one is responsible for how we act or how we feel. Living the Course means knowing that I am the cause of everything I think and feel. Jesus was whipped, beaten, and placed on a cross to die and he never condemned his accusers. He never projected back.
Christ left us an example that we should follow in his steps.
He did not sin, neither was guile found in his mouth.
Who when he was reviled, reviled not again,
When he was tortured, he retaliated not
but committed himself to Him that judges righteously.
1 Peter 2: 21
If someone acts out of ignorance, they do not know who they are or what they are doing. As my old teacher of transpersonal psychology, Dr. Thomas Hora used to say, "Ignorance is not a person.''
I could not have said, 'Betrayest thou the Son of Man with a kiss?' unless I believed in betrayal. The whole message
of the crucifixion was simply that I did not.
The "punishment" I was said to have called forth upon Judas was a similar mistake, Judas was my brother and a Son of God
as much a part of the Sonship as myself.
Was it likely that I would condemn him when I was ready to demonstrate that condemnation is impossible.
Text 6.I.15:5-9
Jesus is hanging on a cross his body bleeding and dying, a jeering crowd yelling at him and yet he does not see himself as persecuted. All we are to do is to follow his example in much less extreme cases. We are asked to teach only love in each and every situation, including the times when the world, defined as other people, seems to attack us. If my brother is acting out of fear, it doesn't mean I have to. Just as a parent can look upon a misbehaving child and see past the behavior to the innocence within, so God looks past our misconstruction knowing the truth of our Being. God has created us perfect. We may be dreaming a dream of imperfection but it is just a dream.
We cannot be hurt and we do not want to show our brothers and sisters anything other than wholeness (T-5.IV4:4). In the movie, Dead Man Walking, the character, played by Susan Sarandon, did not deny what the criminal, played by Sean Penn, had done. She loved him and looked past his mistakes to the truth that lay within. As we teach, so do we learn; and, if we react as though we are being persecuted, so do we teach persecution. We cannot, however, teach persecution and find inner peace. What we are to teach is our own perfect immunity. We cannot be assailed any more than Jesus was. His is an extreme example. Can we not be more tolerant under much less extreme examples?
It is not danger that comes when defenses are laid down.
It is safety. It is peace. It is joy. And it is God.
Manual for Teachers 4.VI.1:11-15
The Two Wolves
There is a wonderful Shempa story from the Cherokee Indian tradition. An old Grandfather said to his grandson, who came to him with anger at a friend, "I too have felt a great hate for those that have taken so much, with no sorrow for what they do. But hate wears you down, and does not hurt your enemy. It is like taking poison and wishing your enemy would die. It is as if there are two wolves inside me. One is kind and understanding and does no harm. He lives in harmony with all around and does not take offense. The other wolf is vengeful and full of anger. The littlest thing will set him into a fit of temper. He fights everyone and for no reason. He cannot think because his anger and hate are so great. Sometimes, it is hard to live with these two wolves inside me. Both of them try to dominate my spirit." The boy looked into his Grandfather's eyes and asked, "Which one wins, Grandfather?" The Grandfather smiled and said, "The one that wins will be the one I feed."
I thoroughly disapprove of duels.
If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and
forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.
American Author, Mark Twain (1835-1910)
Take all Yentas and Shempas kindly and forgivingly by the hand to a quiet place; and there, give it to the Holy Spirit for disposal. And then walk away and trust that God has done his part. If Spirit wants you to know the results of the miracle, he will show you. Otherwise, take it on faith and move along. Experience helps us to recognize a mistake when we make it again. When Shempa comes, remember: this is a test; it is only a test. Ask Spirit to correct your desire to do it again, and then turn around, walk away, and return again another day when love rules the mind. If I see defensiveness coming up, if I see attack thoughts arising, I know something has gone wrong with my thinking. Our brothers and sisters do indeed sometimes do hurtful things. The question is how do I "see" what has been done? Do I see it has hurtful? Does my ego get plugged in or can I see this as a call for help and take it to a higher level? Do I hit back? Or, can I sit back? We are not to permit abuse. Neither am I to respond with abuse. Those who test us are our best teachers and our friends.
Those who make you return,
for whatever
reason to God's solitude, be grateful to them.
Worry about the others, who give you delicious comforts
that keep you from prayer.
Friends are
enemies sometimes and enemies, friends.
Sufi Mystic, Jalaluddi Rumi
(12071273)
When any situation is out of our hand, it is time to place it in God's hands. What needs fixing isn't the world; what needs fixing is my perception of the world. Looking at the world with eyes of innocence instead of judgment, we see we cannot judge. Once we see how the ego plays its games, we realize, "We don't have to play." I need only to ask Holy Spirit to correct my perception and not try to fix the world.
There is a way of finding certainty right here and now.
Refuse to be a part of fearful dreams whatever form they take,
for you will lose identity in them.
Text 28.IV.2:1-2
Refuse to be a Part of Fearful Dreams
It is that simple. If we teach anyone that they can hurt us, we teach ourselves that what is not of God has power over us. We would never attack another unless we believed that he had somehow taken the peace of God from us. If others have the power to take the peace of God from us, we gave them that power.
So is the memory of God obscured in minds that have become illusions' battleground. Yet far beyond this senseless war it shines, ready to be remembered when you side with peace.
Text-23.I.12:8-9
Peace,